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Forgiveness

  • Trishna Kaur
  • September 29, 2020
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An incident happens. One gets hurt. Something or someone does not behave as expected. You had another expectation. Things turned out differently. The heart feels the pain. Your emotions are shattered. Your trust is broken. You had given everything to this person. He/she did not respect you. Did not value you. Chose to hurt you. In words, actions, behaviors, in not giving you freedom, in not trusting you. You are so hurt. You are bitter now towards this person, also, towards the whole world. But somewhere in real, you are most hurt with yourself. You are hurt because you let this happen to you. You didn’t have your own back.

Forgive yourself! Forgive the you, who didn’t have your back.

It starts with your own self.

Sometimes the hurt is very deep. Most of the time it is noticed that someone close to you, has the ability to hurt you more than strangers. A parent or spouse has broken your trust or your best friend has betrayed you or some kind of bullying has happened. This disrupts your inner world. It makes you angry towards the injustice that has happened to you. Forgiveness is the key to heal here, though forgiveness may not come easily.

Forgiveness is the release of resentment of anger. You may feel why should you forgive those who have caused harm to you? It may have damaged your self-esteem and your confidence completely. Remember, forgiveness doesn’t happen in a day, it is a process. It is a step-by-step process.
 

Understand the drill, when you are hurt and in pain, it starts with yourself. You are grieving.

You do not understand how someone else will understand your pain or how will anyone empathize with you. You are holding onto strong negative emotions like anger, depression, anxiety, self-loathing, low confidence, or post-traumatic stress.

You may start snapping at others, going through short-tempered bouts of anger, may speak hurtful words to others, lose interest in the world, lose appetite, or sleep.

You may have a 360-degree change in your behavior towards loved ones. Sometimes you also tend to be hard on yourself. All these are signs of you being hurt and emotionally disturbed. Do not take this energy out into the world yet. Though it is easier said than done. By being a little present and mindful, you can do so. When you are hurt. Start with yourself. You have to heal within first.

You have to empathize with yourself. The younger you, who let itself be treated in a certain way didn’t know better. The younger you, who gave its power of control to someone else, to get ill-treated, to get betrayed, to act so naïve, to be taken for granted, to get hurt, allowed to inflict pain on itself! At present, you need empathy, love, and compassion from the mature and evolved you.
 

Forgive yourself! Forgive and heal yourself first!

Forgiveness, A Process:

Forgiveness is more about yourself than others. You can start with baby steps. Remember forgiveness is a process. Make little changes in your everyday habits. Give a genuine compliment to a stranger, try to do things that bring a smile to others, spend some time at a kindergarten school with infants, take some time off into the greens, observe nature or try your hand at gardening. These are little everyday practices that will ease your pain. Take account of your pain and your healing. If you are not able to do that on your own, take the help of a therapist.

Once this is done, then shift your focus to others. It’s your turn to show empathy towards others. Research has proven that, when you look at the other person’s situation with empathy, you will understand the hurt they are going through that has made them act in a certain way.  Especially if one has not received love from their primary caregivers, they tend to have trust issues and lead a lonely life, thus having poor relationships. This changes the trajectory of that person’s life. You need to show compassion towards others too and forgive the imperfections of others. Be kind to people who have caused you the pain. The people you think you need closure with. All one can do is forgive the other. It is not necessary that you will get closure. Some people use it as an excuse to hold onto their hurt and pain because they don’t seem to get closure. Real closure is possible only with your oneself. With others, it is forgiving and letting go. Do not hold on to the event that has caused you pain. It does more harm than good.

You know true forgiveness has happened when you do not have any heavy feelings around your chest while talking about the event. It just becomes a story, without any positive or negative emotions attached to it. Even when you come face-to-face with the person who has caused you harm, you will not feel remorse anymore. It is not always possible that the person whom you want to forgive will utter the ‘Sorry’ word. Still, let go. A lot of times that person may not even know the Work you have done on yourself. You may have forgiven the other person without their verbal or written apology. Just do it anyway, it will make you feel light within.


There is no point in carrying extra baggage of hatred, guilt, shame, anger, frustration within you. You are simply eroding your inner peace by storing such emotions. By bursting a little ego bubble, it is possible to heal from past hurt. Live a life right now that demands the best version of yourself, by letting go of the hurt and pain. Start with forgiveness!!

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